I recently attended my last parent’s weekend event with my youngest son, who’s a Senior at The University of TN. It’s a beautiful drive from Charlotte to Knoxville and I’m usually very excited to make the trip. I was excited to see my son but for me this trip carried a different realization and heavy weight with it. This would be my last parent’s weekend ever. Even writing it makes it so final. How did we get here so fast? I don’t feel ready…

I’m not ready to give up the visits, the conversations over dinner about classes, campus life, and his future, hanging out with his friends on game day, Fraternity events and tailgates, walking the campus, and breakfasts together before driving home through the beautiful Smoky and Blue Ridge Mountains. But mostly, I’m not ready for him to be gone.

I don’t have to wonder if he’s ready, he’s more than ready. I’ve done my job.

And there it is…the gap.

Now what? What’s next after all the years of focusing on others? My feelings are mixed, at times excited, other times sad and missing the “old days,” and at times uncertain and a little terrified. I have the freedom to make my own decisions, but with that freedom comes the responsibility which can sometimes feel daunting…and lonely.

When I look back at the years I devoted to being a mother, they are the happiest and most meaningful of my life. I carry gratitude, joy and wisdom with me. Are there regrets? Yes, but they also come with understanding and grace.

The last several years have been a prerequisite course providing a glimpse of what the next chapter might look like. Change has been an uncomfortable teacher, creating opportunities for growth and helping me gain independence and confidence. I’m finding space for myself and rediscovering the woman who hit pause while focusing on motherhood and family. That woman who now has a much broader view seems a worthy relationship on which to focus.

During my visit to TN, I could feel the excitement shared by my son and his peers about their futures. While having dinner, he mentioned the importance of being present and experiencing his final year of college. I could feel his gratitude and intention. These moments filled me with optimism and encouragement.

As for what’s next for me – my son’s feelings are contagious and I think I’ll bask in them a while.